life is not fair.

why does unfortunate e things always happen to good people?

i just - mind cant comprehend something.

it's like

relieving my nightmare again is just not it mate.

not it. :'(

so im a psych major right
and the other day, this argument happened
my mom was telling me about this gal on tv who succeed when she lost her ability to walk.
so i macam okay then, i cakap lah i pun susah jugak bcs i lost my dad and all that
and my mom macam thats different
and she mentioned those who lost parents masa kecil and besar is different
kalau you baby, you wont rasa that kehilangan much
and me being the gal yg dah gone through that phase, i can speak for those kids and cakap ITS DIFFERENT okay?
in a family, everyone got their roles, yaaa sure mom can act as both mommy daddy but cannot guys cannot. its different. psychologically its gonna effect the children.
how? been there. done that.

doubt

never doubt what Allah got in the store for you
it might seems like its nothing, but it something.
I once thought that Allah fucked me over.
I'm a strong girl. I know that. and I stand by that.
but sometimes I just wanna be weak.
I know now that He is really the Almighty.
but
I used to wonder;
I pray, I read the quran, du'a past solah
and still I've got meh results
I saw others who did no such things but still got excellent result
It wasn't fair
but I keep it all to myself
I pray that Allah put me in the univ that I wants
He gave me the one that I despise the most
I cried bcs of petty things I know
but those petty things gonna construct how my life will be
and I was beyond disappointed, I was devastated
little did I know
He got better thing planned for me
and MasyaAllah. Alhamdulillah.

trying

I've tried sooooo hard but it's never enough
it came to a point that I've thought to myself
why keep on trying if everything is gonna end up not working out anyway?
people say
if you're thinking of giving up, think about the reason why you hold on in the first place?
but
what about if the thing holding me back from giving up is not there anymore? gone. poof just like that.
then what?
why keep on working on something that's meant to be a dead end?

for me
life is like a puzzle
all those moments happening in your life are the puzzle pieces
the happy ones you'll cherish forever and the sad ones that you wished you won't face again
you might not know why but when you get all the pieces together, you;ll see the bigger picture
and I'm pretty sure you'll be proud  as hell to finish that puzzle
it's gonna be worth it
just hold on and don't let go
:)

sometimes you just gotta seize the moments honestly
stop living in your past
bcs that just what it will ever be. a past.
appreciate what happens around you peeps
and this post happened bcs i cant participate in my convocation
so yeah
im sad, not gonna lie about that
but if i wanna be selfish just for my own good and burden anyone else
thats shitty even for me
so yeah
just believe that Allah knows what best for me
were only planning but He is the one who determines everything
so yeah
just trynna be okay with it honestly

so tadi aku keluar with pewds, syed, alif and helmi and ni first time kut aku keluar dengan dorang and they are so masuk air i had so much fun. legit pagi tu i keluar jog with pewds then she belanja makan roti canai and im a happy bitch by then sebab bitch free food and then we all go to dewan besar sebab ada program dekat situ so aku pun macam ikut je ah. the coupon is at stake at that time soyeah.. then pewds ajak makan seoul garden and movie so aku macam hokay then. sebab i wanna make as much as friends as i can get!
then we all pun naik uber. legit pewds order uber x. theyre 5 people okay and dapat honda jazz so macam okay je ah. tak sempit sangat. then makan dekat sana. which is the first time for aku, helmi and syed. so noobie gila and dorang ended up kaut banyak gila thingy the table is fullllll. so macam it was nice sebab legit i tak pernah kenal dorang pun before this and i had so much fucking fun.
so macam the makanan is so banyak and macam semua orang dah angkat white flags so i found a new way. i legit suapkan semua orang so that theyll finish it. hahahaha. legit so berkesan. and ada jugak ah yang syed tu jadi bangang sikit nak try wasabi challege. sudah menggelupur mamat tu jadinya. it was so so so so fucking funny. we laughed so hard.
and after that dorang nak tengok jackie chan but i legit malas nak tengok. so i told em yang yguys go and watch the movie while aku stroll around the mall and pewds tak bagi. she said shell buy me the tix so i macam okay then. and then syed cakap dia nak tengok kingsman and i was like nak i teman tak? sebab kingsman was nice okay. tengok second time still nice. but the tix dah fully booked time tu so we all ambik the screening after that. so ada like an hour to spend so paksa syed masuk popular but dia macam boring je. so i asked him jejalan masuk yubiso and tried the products there. tapi kan tak banyak sangat kan? so we ended up masuk the drug stores. hahahahaha legit tried the testers, cleansers and many things lah. dia jadi my experiment. tak pernah doh first time keluar jadi rapat macam tu. legit ada one time tali kasut aku terbukak, time aku ikat tu dia gurau ah cakap kalau tak aku boleh ikat. then later on tali kasut aku terbukak lagi tau. tengah jalan. and guess what? yeah i legit suruh dia ikat kan. and dia ikat doh! sambil lagu ed sheeran talking out loud duk pasang. hahahahaha sumpah couple sangat siot. tapi memang mamat tu gentleman af ah. masa movie pun nice jugak. the kind of person yg kau boleh masuk air tak timbul timbul. everyone of em. every single pne of em tu masuk air.
then dah sampai uitm. tah macam mana boleh pulak tersembang benda pelik dengan alif. mula mula deep throat je then choke me daddy lah cekik saya abah ah. and we bonded over that. sumpah bangang hanat. and yang paling funny sekali kan. at first the only ones yang understand the term tu just both of us so memang macam helok sangat lah gilanya tu.
but ended up having so much fun ah. i tak tipu doh.

mannn it been months since i last updated here doh
kay so the story is..
like couple of months back masa aku punya birthday like apa yg dah diketahui, most of my friends forget about it so that thing. that one thing macam turning point tau bagi aku
macam buat aku fucking sedar yang im not important for em so aku macam im done bitch im fucking done
starting from that, aku start buat prinsip baru. aku akan kawan dgn semua orang. bukanlah before this aku tak kawan ke pe but biasanya aku pergi dengan so called roommate je
but this sem, dorang tak tunggu aku pun weh masa daftar. legit daftar sendiri je. alasan parents dorang marah. memang lah aku boleh buat lek wat chill je but kemon ah. aku pun ada feelings jugak doh. kau dah janji nak daftar sama, then fucking suddenly kau daftar korang je while yguys have your fucking parents there. nampak sangat aku tak important doh. kawan apa macam ni. macam nak cakap tu salah aku pulak. aku bersyukur jugak lah aku tak sebilik dengan korang sebab nampak korang macam fake. okay ah maybe aku pun fake jugak, tapi siapa tak fake kalau macam tu? so jangan nak blame aku ah. so aku punya prinsip baru aku taknak cari bestfriend sebab macam pointless je kalau cari among korang je. i tried to further my horizon. im loking for friends. i legit put boundaries around me sebab with those boundaries lah aku rasa selamat. safe and sound. buat apa nak terhegeh hegeh dekat orang lain when said people was just taking you for granted ffs!

I AM OFFICIALLY 20

I am OFFICIALLY 20 and I'm not happy
Yknow I was thinking that maybe my friends will wish me yknow like cmon bitch its my fucking birthday im not turning 20 every fucking day but nope so understandably lah for me to be bitter and in a bad mood
The most bitter thing is when you expected this certain someone to wish you and they didnt okay maybe they forgot but how could they?!! Am I not important or what? Ya know I dont give a fuck about this shit. Yeah im bitter, im bitter as fuck.
But that is to be expected lah weh what the fuck even is this.
I cried when I saw abang's insta story this morning where he wished his gf a good morning and I was so hurt by that man. I was fucking crying for fucks sake. Later baru he wsed me saying happy birthday and it was soooooo abang that it made my fucking day. Im soooooo low maintenance. Im not kidding. Its not a joke. Kay then. Lemme wallow in my self pity. Im allowed to that that!

heyyy!

I'm officially 19th

it has been a whirlwind reaching this

im one year older. yeah! am not happy

thank you for all the wishes, yguys gonna make me blush!

okay

moving onnnnnnnn

ive been through a lot!

first, i wanna say thank you to my mom who raise me for more than a decade alone. the strongest woman ive ever known. i love you, ma. i really do.

next, to my brothers, to my my big ole fam. sankyu fam. fam sticks together.

my girls, the ones that kept me in-check. the ones that called me ed bcs hey thats my name. loveyaaa girls so much! never judge me. always acah acah terer jawa eventhou mashaaa allah ke laut wehhh!

then to my loners, alyn and anaz. the one yg always stick with me, yg always lend their ears, yg always gimme advice, yg susah senang sama sama. yg kalau someone of us jatuh, we'll gelak dulu then baru tolong. the ones that i know, theyll always be there.

then to my beauties, ivy and raven. i love you both so much, yguys means a lot to me. never thought that we'll be best friends. but hell yeah, we did. and yeahh. im like the nerdiest between us. love yaaaa guys. seriously do!

leo, yas, nicole, giu, mari, pooja, fariha and many more. thank you for listening to my ranting.

not to forget the princesses here in uitm. old housemates yg still keep in touch. all the friends that ive made.

my sraim friends yg still remember me, yg still gurau ganas nak matey, yang jenis carut lucah semua nak full force. appreciate korang yang pervies ni. hikhik.

serious talk thought, throughout the years, ive lost some great friends but i gain tons of new ones after. i just wanna say that, its okay if you doesnt wanna be my friend, im okay, im not that bitter for a person. but just so yknow. it doesnt really affects me. are you so special that i need to be yr friend? well newsflash bitch, im a catch for a friend too. my friends are so lucky to have me as their friend. just so yknow

guys
teen wolf is ending
and i kid you not ive been crying
like i keep on crying bcs this is too hard
i know that this will happen someday
but i never thought it would be sooner rather than later
and ive been cryiiiiingggg
like this show had been a part of me for years
and losing this part of me is so hard
this show gave me so much
 and it just sooo hard

okey
aku baru balik dari stb
and sumpah lah jadi fasi ni aku blur gila nak matey weh
nasib baik lah ada faiz yang boleh lead and amir yang tolong
tapi
budak budak kat situ mashaa Allah
nakal tu nakal, tapi comel pun ya jugak
sangat cute weh
mula mula tu memang dorang susah lah jugak nak open up
dah lah kena halau dengan kecik sebab katanya nak cakap hal jantan eh kuangasam nya awak ni
tapi dia lah yang paling open up kut yang layan je kitorang kakak abang abang fasi ni
then jumpa lah Amir and Reza
susah gila mula mula tu nak cakap dengan dorang ni
nak mintak diorang open up kat aku yang introvert ni kau bayang lah woi
one of the slot kitorang mintak dorang tulis apa yang diorang nak capai dalam life, kenapa nak capai dan untuk siapa matlamat tu.
time tu lah duk sembang sembang, mula mula just tanya je apa kemahiran diorang. dua dua bakal baker okey
gurau gurau then baru lah macam story life diorang. apa yang diorang buat, apa yang diorang duk kesalkan
betapa beruntungnya dapat masuk sekolah tu

diorang buat aku realize kut lots of thing

betapa berharganya friendship ni, brotherhood diorang sangat kuat

manja pun kemain jugak

"akak buka lah sekali dengan kitorang, tak kan nak balik dah kut,"

memang overly attached kut aku kat diorang ni

dengar cerita diorang ni sebak jugak lah

dua tahun tak dapat raya dengan family, niat nak puasa dekat rumah tahun ni pun tak tercapai,

sumpah lah sedih

masa ambik gambar tu pun aku macam, korang duk belakang akak okey?

tu pun masa nak balik salam cium pipi muah muah dengan vice principal tu, budak'2 tu ada kat tepi, sempat lah wish Amir selamat hari raya and selamat berbuka

dekat luar dewan before naik bas sempat say byebye dekat kecik and Reza

serious lah

budak budak ni memang pernah buat silap tapi perlu ke diorang dihukum lepas diorang start nak berubah?

aku memang cakap terang terang "akak bangga gila kat korang and akak respect sebab korang banyak ubah perspective akak,"

they are given a second chance, don't let your narrow-minded mind clouded those thoughts of them

they deserved to be better and to have a better future

akak harap korang tak kan ulang kesilapan yang korang pernah buat, solat jangan tinggal, dik, pilih kawan betul betul, capailah impian korang sebab korang mampu.. akak tahu and akak bangga gila dengan korang. thanks open up kat akak. bagi akak new insight pasal life. sumpah akak takkan lupakan korang. kalau ada rezeki, inshaa Allah kita jumpa lagi.. and korang boleh bagi akak rasa roti korang yang sedap sangat tu. 

biarkan apa masyarakat nak cakap pasal korang, yang penting korang tahu hala tuju korang dan buktikan dengan dorang yang duk pandang rendah dan serong dengan korang tu yang korang pun mampu dan korang boleh!

things im thankful about

im quite thankful lah ada abang abang yang just a phone away
dulu masa daftar u ni bapiq yang hantar dengan abang mama family semua
dulu masa tertinggal bas balik raya, lepastu pergi lah kl.. call baneh whatsapp abang sebab aku pun tak tau lah weh sayuuuuu hati ini makin sayuuuuu
baneh ambik kat pudu okeh then buat roadtrip kl-selangor.. sumpah lah sayang baneh hahaha
then kalau aku frust menonggeng ke pe aku spam abang sebab abang aku duh suka hati aku lah
and kalau aku nak jawapan yang straight to the point yang takde liku liku tu aku tanya abang aku sebab lelaki straight to the point kan?
tu je lah kut
tapi best lah ada abang

Hashtag SiblingsGoals sangat

a sneak peek to my dekstop

okay. so today i saw this All Time Low's new video and through this they show that they kind of like vid chat with their fans
and guys
i cried bcs its so fcking beautiful
i know how it mean to have that kind of inspiration in yr life
like yknow these guys and you hooked with these guys
and suddenly you met these wonderful fans that shared the same interest as you and guys
its different okay and thats priceless
like we shared he same love that maybe others cant understand
and maybe
thats why
i cant let go of suju
bcs they gave me so much
like ive gained tons of friends that im not embarrassed to call family
bcs they are, deep down.. i love them so much
like when i fought w someone, or when im worried w something, they were the one that i seek bcs i know they will be there, they always are and im so grateful for that
and no. i dont think i can ever let go of that
ever
and actually im not really a hustlers, im more of astronauts kind of girl
and yeah
im not really a forthcoming kind of person
im that one dork that always keep everything to myself and when i cant hold it in anymore ill start crying in my room like a total weirdo
my outlet? my diary, i guess
and yeah ive got tons of them
i mean ive got these fancy notebooks and itll go to waste if i just let it go.
my blog too
but im not really like talk there
ive got this tendency to not trust others that easily
it took me ages to be able to tell others what i really feel, to share something w someone else
that, plus my introvert?! pffttt! its such a nuisance
and yeahhh
thats why i love music
bcs the lyrics sometime reflect my situation perfectly
and simple plan's welcome to my life hits me more that i thought it would
the lyrics mannnn it goes wayyyyyy downnnnn my soul
actually one of my abangs that introduced me with them, like one day i was messing w his phone and mannnnn he and his brothers were the one that open my eyes with the greatness of simple plan, good charlotte, mcr and others. like damnnnn when i first heard their songs, i bluetoothed it to my phone.
idk why the guys in my life always got this special power to identify good music like im not i guess
hahahah
but the point is
music sometimes could be more than something to fill yr ears.
music could save lives
music could change people
it could open someone's eyes to be better
to be your fcking self without caring what others might think

i wanna like talk w a complete stranger and then suddenly
accidentally
slipped out
TARDIS DALEK C3PO BB8 Anakin Bilbo Muggle Ravenclaw or other geeky stuffs
HELL! even if some itgids came out

dreammmmmmyyyyyy

and
i want a guy that wont call up on my geekiness
and ill keep my mouth shut on footballs or video games
even thou
i will always think of CR as an inspiration and Steven Gerard as one of the most loyal footballer ever
or I watch Pewdiepie in my free time or I enjoy Markiplier. like... itsokayyyy

im that kind of person yg akan dengar GOOD CHARLOTTE SIMPLE PLAN bila aku sedih
yang suka hati je bantai lyric MCR P!ATD FOB semua
yang kalau geram biar pekak telinga ni dengar Crown The Empire Beyond The Horizon bagai
yang akan cair dengar Andrew Velasquez Brendon Urie Gerard Way Patrick Stump
yang kalau time nak mellow tu pasang AVA FAMY
yang suka bantai emo sebab relates dengan diri ni
yeahhh

so...
todayyy i wanna tell you guys about my dream guy
like im a girl dude
like i need to have that kind of list
so basically i want someone taller than me
like thats the first thing that crossed my mind every time someone asked me this
next someone who can understand my obsessions and try to adapt w my crazy self bc lemme tell you im kind of hard to handle.. ask my mum if you dont wanna believe me
and when i went to my fangirling mode he will be there and just shove it as me being me
and he tried to understand a little about it
and like when i do something wrong he will try to gimme advice as discreet as possible
and when going anywhere, he will be the first one that suggest us to perform our prayers
and he choose his mother over me
aaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddddddddddddddddd
the most importing thing is he never let out the L bomb unless he really meant it
the last one is the one that truly important
people said it like its a normal thing
but the thing is love is a really beautiful thing
its so sad to watch others destroy it by saying those words mindlessly.

like whutttt

so i think everyone dah tahu pasal omegle right?
yeah. the chatroom. that chatroom.
so, i was on it the other day bc alyn keep insisted us to like take a look at it
and me being me do the exact same thing as that
and people keep like lets have sex
like whuttt
asl asl asl asl asl
kik snapchat
like whuttt
but then
then i met leo
like he was the omegle warrior or some sort
he said he was a she at first
and i was like cool, me too bc im pretty sure the vagina gave me away
and then he said that he is a guy and hes like whiplash the guys that keep asl asl asl asl asl
kik snapchat
and i was like thats so cool dude
and then we found out that we have the same book obsessions
and then he asked me what kind of music am i into
and i was like emo till the end, patd mcr fob
and he was like the emo trinity
and i was like, you too exclamation marks and i just blurted it out that hes my bestfriend
like whuttt
we hit it off right then
so yeah
and we call ourselves each other's twin
like whutttt

its nice to meet you, you dork
keep in touch, twin. :)